symphonysoldier:

“you cannot possibly live without the fear of dying”.

this came from a conversation i was having with a friend the other night… and i do not believe it could ring any more true. i have heard that the average person lives to be around 77 years old. if that is truly the case… the average person has around 28,105 days. 28,105 days to live… to love… to make mistakes… to learn from them… to fall.. to rise… and to figure out a way to deal with the inevitably of one day not being able to walk the streets that currently surround us. is this scary? of course it is. at least to me. i, for one, do not want to die. some people have faith and some people don’t.. but no matter what you believe in… the cold hard fact is that one day (no one knows when) things will drastically change for you and at an exact moment you will be thrown upon some sort of world of difference. franklin d. roosevelt once famously said, “the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” well, mr. roosevelt… with all due respect, i would have to disagree. i have a lot to be afraid of… but i am not afraid of it. not a bit… and nor should i be. every day i am faced with some sort of fear. the fear of losing someone i love. the fear of making a wrong decision. the fear of hurting someone close to me. but after many moments of clarity i have realized that these fears are some of the most beautifully things to happen to me. “beautifully heavy” as i call them. they weigh me down every day… but what happens when you constantly are pushing against weight? yes. you get stronger. you are building strength, slowly but surely. the fact that i am afraid to die compels me to live. if i had a handful of infinite time and a pocketful of never-ending days…what would be my motivation? what would that do for me? time is both my enemy and my best friend. if i there wasn’t the slightest chance of me dying.. what would i be afraid of? skydivers would feel nothing. the butterflies in their stomach would simply lose their wings. what would there be to fight for? would there be love? how CAN there be love with no fear? isn’t that what makes love special? the jump. the fall. the not knowing what comes next? isn’t that what makes it feel so damn good? when it all works out and you know that pushing through that fear was worth every teardrop that had ever previously hit the floor? no one wants to believe that one day they will just be a statistic… or a number. so we spend our lives trying to BE someone. we become writers, painters, role models, friends, parents, teachers, soldiers… so that we leave our unique fingerprint and indention on the world and sky around us. we all are somebody whether we know it or not. we all have our little niche in this world to make it exactly how it is. take one person our of the picture and the world is a complete different place. everything matters… yet nothing matters at all. this is YOUR story. go fall in love. fly a kite. take pictures of the beautiful world around you. go to the beach just to feel the sand beneath your toes. make friends and memories. smile… because it’s okay to be scared.. we all are at times. but just know that living and being yourself is making a difference. it all has an effect on something or someone. without the feeling of weakness… you would never know the power and glory of strength. without the feeling of loss… we would never know the feeling of gain. i wouldn’t give up my fear for anything in this world. it is mine and i hold it close. it makes me appreciate the details. the threads in the fabric. the wind sifting through my eyelashes. the laugh of my little sister. the percussion of a rainy day. it’s okay to be afraid of dying… as long as you aren’t afraid to live. go fall in love… fall down… they both are of equal importance and magnitude. trust me. the thing you should be the most afraid of… is not being afraid.

-alexander michael

There is so much more out there to explore, to experience, to live. Why should we be afraid of our fears? It’s a race against time, so let’s make the most of what we’ve got!

- Ana

(Source: symphonysoldier)

My dad’s last wish was to be buried in El Salvador. I was so upset, I started crying and asked him why?! He did not answer, but I already knew the answer I just wanted to hear it from him. I called a few funeral houses to get an estimate, but I never got a call back. I was desperate, but the day my dad passed away everything fell into place. The funeral house that took my dad’s body told us it would be $2,550 to send him over there, use their funeral house, and get all the other things that come with the service. I was glad that things worked out, but the next problem was money.. How were we going to pay for everything? Donations, fundraisers, and checks.. That is how it all came together. I was hella thankful to everyone who donated and helped out with the fundraiser. My mom definitely has great friends and so do my brother and I. At the end of the day we had enough money to send my dad to El Salvador and for us to go with him. We left at 12:45 AM on August 2 and arrived at 8:00 AM in El Salvador. That same day we held my father’s service, which was all night (I had no idea, so I was tired from not sleeping on the plane the night before. I went 48 hours without sleep). We then buried him on August 3rd and although it was difficult to see, I was glad to be there with my family and to see that we granted my dad’s last wish.

P.S. You see how they changed his box when we got to El Salvador? Well that is because my dad has great friends. That box is valued at $1,500, but because the guy who owns the funeral place knew my dad and became rich.. He gave it to us. My dad was blessed.

Ana<3

The service we had for my father was on Sunday July 31, 2011 from 4PM to 9PM. To be honest, I never thought so many of our friends would come - you guys have no idea how much we appreciate your love and support. You guys definitely made our day easier. I could never thank you enough, <3

Ana

Summer came & went like an ocean wave. To be honest, my summer started off amazing: seeing celebrities in Santa Monica, watching Bruno Mars in concert, and my long awaited trip to disneyland. I was excited for summer 2011.. I had plans of keeping a daily diary and updating my Tumblr, but on June 15th (the day I went to disneyland with Neg, Lexi, and Andee) I realized just how much my life was going to change. I knew the magnitude of the situation, my dad had cancer. I knew he was not going to make it, but I did not give up hope. When my dad was hospitalized many doctors came into the room to explain the situation we were going to face some time in the next few months; my dad was going to die. They told us he had less than 6 months to live.. My dad never spoke. He knew he was going to die and he understood the reasons why he had cancer and never questioned it. He simply accepted his fate and told us not to cry before time. There was only one person he was worried about and that was my mom.. Obviously she was devastated, she had lost her mother a year ago.. And now her husband was going to pass away.. My dad was 51 years old when he passed away on July 22, 2011. We were there: my brother, mother, aunt, and myself. We honestly couldn’t believe it. I saw his heartbeat drop and then it stopped. I didn’t know what to do. At 12:05 AM, my dad was no longer with us. I cried, but then at that moment my godmother and godfather arrived at the hospital. My brother and I went to pick them up and when we came back I broke down. I could not stop myself.. The pain I felt.. Reality hitting in the face.. It was a feeling I had never felt before and even now I do not know how to explain the way I feel. The only thing I know for sure is that there is a huge hole in my heart and it will never be filled in. It has been 2 months since he has been gone and it still seems unbelievable to me because I want him to walk in through the front door, to argue with me, to kick me out of the bathroom because I take too long to get ready.. I miss him so much. I know we did not have the best father-daughter relationship, but that does not mean I did not love my dad because I did and I know he knew that. I know things have changed and they will never go back to the way they used to be, but I will make my dad proud. I will graduate, get my bachelors degree, go on to graduate school, and get my career started. I know he will always be looking after us from where ever he is, <3

It has been 3 months and I have decided to blog again,
Ana 

This week was my only week off before going back to school on Monday. I know I deserve a break, but I can deal. Anyway, I had to make this week count.

Monday June 13 - English Final at 8am and Santa Monica Place afterwards with Andee and Neg to celebrate us being done with finals and our 2nd year of college.

Tuesday June 14 - Bruno Mars concert with Anvar, Gianinna, and Jessica.

Wednesday June 15 - Disneyland with Andee, Neg, and Lexi!

Thursday June 16 - Work/Bonfire

Friday June 17 - Unofficial last day of work before Summer School.

*Everyday, except Tuesday, I woke up at 5 am..

My coworker and I usually go out to eat at some pretty cheap restaurants. I like to save money, so I tend to go for Subway, haha. Today was one of those days, I wanted subway. On our way over there, though, we saw some of the students we work with and they told us they went to eat at Hop Li and then we both started craving chinese food. That is when Anvar mentioned Yen, which is located right in front of Subway. I walk by it all the time, but I have never been interested. However, today I had the best Teriyaki Chicken I have ever tasted in my life. I was so glad my coworker mentioned it because honestly the Teriyaki Chicken lunch box and salmon and spicy tuna rolls were beyond anything I had ever tasted (that only goes to show that I hardly go out and explore LA and its wonderfully diverse restaurants).

 

Fucking delicious,
Ana<3