As My Door Opens

symphonysoldier:

“you cannot possibly live without the fear of dying”.

this came from a conversation i was having with a friend the other night… and i do not believe it could ring any more true. i have heard that the average person lives to be around 77 years old. if that is truly the case… the average person has around 28,105 days. 28,105 days to live… to love… to make mistakes… to learn from them… to fall.. to rise… and to figure out a way to deal with the inevitably of one day not being able to walk the streets that currently surround us. is this scary? of course it is. at least to me. i, for one, do not want to die. some people have faith and some people don’t.. but no matter what you believe in… the cold hard fact is that one day (no one knows when) things will drastically change for you and at an exact moment you will be thrown upon some sort of world of difference. franklin d. roosevelt once famously said, “the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” well, mr. roosevelt… with all due respect, i would have to disagree. i have a lot to be afraid of… but i am not afraid of it. not a bit… and nor should i be. every day i am faced with some sort of fear. the fear of losing someone i love. the fear of making a wrong decision. the fear of hurting someone close to me. but after many moments of clarity i have realized that these fears are some of the most beautifully things to happen to me. “beautifully heavy” as i call them. they weigh me down every day… but what happens when you constantly are pushing against weight? yes. you get stronger. you are building strength, slowly but surely. the fact that i am afraid to die compels me to live. if i had a handful of infinite time and a pocketful of never-ending days…what would be my motivation? what would that do for me? time is both my enemy and my best friend. if i there wasn’t the slightest chance of me dying.. what would i be afraid of? skydivers would feel nothing. the butterflies in their stomach would simply lose their wings. what would there be to fight for? would there be love? how CAN there be love with no fear? isn’t that what makes love special? the jump. the fall. the not knowing what comes next? isn’t that what makes it feel so damn good? when it all works out and you know that pushing through that fear was worth every teardrop that had ever previously hit the floor? no one wants to believe that one day they will just be a statistic… or a number. so we spend our lives trying to BE someone. we become writers, painters, role models, friends, parents, teachers, soldiers… so that we leave our unique fingerprint and indention on the world and sky around us. we all are somebody whether we know it or not. we all have our little niche in this world to make it exactly how it is. take one person our of the picture and the world is a complete different place. everything matters… yet nothing matters at all. this is YOUR story. go fall in love. fly a kite. take pictures of the beautiful world around you. go to the beach just to feel the sand beneath your toes. make friends and memories. smile… because it’s okay to be scared.. we all are at times. but just know that living and being yourself is making a difference. it all has an effect on something or someone. without the feeling of weakness… you would never know the power and glory of strength. without the feeling of loss… we would never know the feeling of gain. i wouldn’t give up my fear for anything in this world. it is mine and i hold it close. it makes me appreciate the details. the threads in the fabric. the wind sifting through my eyelashes. the laugh of my little sister. the percussion of a rainy day. it’s okay to be afraid of dying… as long as you aren’t afraid to live. go fall in love… fall down… they both are of equal importance and magnitude. trust me. the thing you should be the most afraid of… is not being afraid.

-alexander michael

There is so much more out there to explore, to experience, to live. Why should we be afraid of our fears? It’s a race against time, so let’s make the most of what we’ve got!

- Ana

My dad’s last wish was to be buried in El Salvador. I was so upset, I started crying and asked him why?! He did not answer, but I already knew the answer I just wanted to hear it from him. I called a few funeral houses to get an estimate, but I never got a call back. I was desperate, but the day my dad passed away everything fell into place. The funeral house that took my dad’s body told us it would be $2,550 to send him over there, use their funeral house, and get all the other things that come with the service. I was glad that things worked out, but the next problem was money.. How were we going to pay for everything? Donations, fundraisers, and checks.. That is how it all came together. I was hella thankful to everyone who donated and helped out with the fundraiser. My mom definitely has great friends and so do my brother and I. At the end of the day we had enough money to send my dad to El Salvador and for us to go with him. We left at 12:45 AM on August 2 and arrived at 8:00 AM in El Salvador. That same day we held my father’s service, which was all night (I had no idea, so I was tired from not sleeping on the plane the night before. I went 48 hours without sleep). We then buried him on August 3rd and although it was difficult to see, I was glad to be there with my family and to see that we granted my dad’s last wish.

P.S. You see how they changed his box when we got to El Salvador? Well that is because my dad has great friends. That box is valued at $1,500, but because the guy who owns the funeral place knew my dad and became rich.. He gave it to us. My dad was blessed.

Ana<3

The service we had for my father was on Sunday July 31, 2011 from 4PM to 9PM. To be honest, I never thought so many of our friends would come - you guys have no idea how much we appreciate your love and support. You guys definitely made our day easier. I could never thank you enough, <3

Ana

Summer came & went like an ocean wave. To be honest, my summer started off amazing: seeing celebrities in Santa Monica, watching Bruno Mars in concert, and my long awaited trip to disneyland. I was excited for summer 2011.. I had plans of keeping a daily diary and updating my Tumblr, but on June 15th (the day I went to disneyland with Neg, Lexi, and Andee) I realized just how much my life was going to change. I knew the magnitude of the situation, my dad had cancer. I knew he was not going to make it, but I did not give up hope. When my dad was hospitalized many doctors came into the room to explain the situation we were going to face some time in the next few months; my dad was going to die. They told us he had less than 6 months to live.. My dad never spoke. He knew he was going to die and he understood the reasons why he had cancer and never questioned it. He simply accepted his fate and told us not to cry before time. There was only one person he was worried about and that was my mom.. Obviously she was devastated, she had lost her mother a year ago.. And now her husband was going to pass away.. My dad was 51 years old when he passed away on July 22, 2011. We were there: my brother, mother, aunt, and myself. We honestly couldn’t believe it. I saw his heartbeat drop and then it stopped. I didn’t know what to do. At 12:05 AM, my dad was no longer with us. I cried, but then at that moment my godmother and godfather arrived at the hospital. My brother and I went to pick them up and when we came back I broke down. I could not stop myself.. The pain I felt.. Reality hitting in the face.. It was a feeling I had never felt before and even now I do not know how to explain the way I feel. The only thing I know for sure is that there is a huge hole in my heart and it will never be filled in. It has been 2 months since he has been gone and it still seems unbelievable to me because I want him to walk in through the front door, to argue with me, to kick me out of the bathroom because I take too long to get ready.. I miss him so much. I know we did not have the best father-daughter relationship, but that does not mean I did not love my dad because I did and I know he knew that. I know things have changed and they will never go back to the way they used to be, but I will make my dad proud. I will graduate, get my bachelors degree, go on to graduate school, and get my career started. I know he will always be looking after us from where ever he is, <3

It has been 3 months and I have decided to blog again,
Ana 

This week was my only week off before going back to school on Monday. I know I deserve a break, but I can deal. Anyway, I had to make this week count.

Monday June 13 - English Final at 8am and Santa Monica Place afterwards with Andee and Neg to celebrate us being done with finals and our 2nd year of college.

Tuesday June 14 - Bruno Mars concert with Anvar, Gianinna, and Jessica.

Wednesday June 15 - Disneyland with Andee, Neg, and Lexi!

Thursday June 16 - Work/Bonfire

Friday June 17 - Unofficial last day of work before Summer School.

*Everyday, except Tuesday, I woke up at 5 am..

My coworker and I usually go out to eat at some pretty cheap restaurants. I like to save money, so I tend to go for Subway, haha. Today was one of those days, I wanted subway. On our way over there, though, we saw some of the students we work with and they told us they went to eat at Hop Li and then we both started craving chinese food. That is when Anvar mentioned Yen, which is located right in front of Subway. I walk by it all the time, but I have never been interested. However, today I had the best Teriyaki Chicken I have ever tasted in my life. I was so glad my coworker mentioned it because honestly the Teriyaki Chicken lunch box and salmon and spicy tuna rolls were beyond anything I had ever tasted (that only goes to show that I hardly go out and explore LA and its wonderfully diverse restaurants).

Fucking delicious,
Ana<3 

Wait, what happened this morning? Oh, that’s right.. I almost lost my job. Why? Ha! You wouldn’t believe what I went through this morning. It all started yesterday.. I had a final at 12pm and there I was, home finishing up my final essay for counseling 12.. I get ready and leave without thinking about work, I forget my phone and don’t realize it till I get to the bus stop.. Oh well, it’s too late to go back and get it. I finish class, enjoyable last day and once I get home I see my phone is dead.. I charge it I have voicemails and text messages.. My AVID teacher had called to let me know that a certain teacher was upset that I did not let them know I was not going to show up for work. I was taken aback.. No other teacher has ever cared, so I didn’t know how to take it in and I let my AVID teacher know.. I told myself I would get to work on time and talk to the teacher and apologize because I had no idea it would be a problem. Anyway, the unthinkable always happens and the bus did not pass at its scheduled time so I walked. Yes I walked from Bundy and Pico all the way to UNI, and then I had to walk to the classroom which is on the other side of campus. Needless to say, I looked like shit..

I get to the classroom and I look exhausted, but I apologize. Then the teacher goes on about how I don’t seem to want to be there and that I am not like my coworker who always lets her know when she is not coming to work.. This is where I am like this lady needs to take this conversation outside because the kids should not be listening to this, but no. She keeps raving about how I should find a way to call her because she expects me to be there every Thursday and Friday. Ok, well excuse me if I have a serious load of familial problems on my plate. Excuse me, finals are this week and school is far more important than my job.. AND excuse me.. You never gave me your number because I don’t work on Tuesdays, so I was not there when you handed it out.. After letting her know that I did not have her number, she told me I should have found a way to communicate the message to her.. NOW YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. You’re seriously telling me this in front of the students?! Ugh, I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t deal. I seriously could not deal. She told me I could leave because it seemed as if I did not want to be there because of the way I walked into the classroom and I told her I was tired.. That’s when one of the students stepped in, and I appreciate it, but no honey, I am not worth getting in trouble for (but I thank you, you’re a sweetheart). That’s when I finally told her: “I did not just walk from Bundy and Pico for you to tell me I don’t want to be here.. I walked to make it to work on time and finish the binder checks. Now, I want your binders in back. No excuses.”

I must have looked mad because every single one of those kids turned in their binder. And I finished all of them without the help of my coworker because I do want to be at UNI as a tutor. I want the job more than work-study. I want this job with all my heart. She cannot tell me that I don’t want to be there because she does not know how I truly feel. I appreciate and care for every single one of those students. There’s no way I would let that go, ever. I must be moving away from LA or fired to get my ass out of UNI and I truly mean it. Those kids brighten up my day, they may not be the hardworking students I wish they were, but they’re good enough for me..

The things I deal with during finals week..
Ana D:< 

adri-elle:

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed.

-lovejahjah:

By Bonnie Ware (who worked for years nursing the dying)

1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly,in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks,love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again,long before you are dying. 

brain-food:

• I can now tell if you’re hot or not without having to go to your actual page. 

yerawizardharry:

• I don’t like MTV at all
• and it doesn’t bother me if who I like wins or not because the MTV movie awards are based on popularity not recognition of talent
• also I’ve never understood why a channel called “Music Television” would even host annual movie awards
• all I want is the DH teaser clip please and thanks.

theangrytherapist:

When we invest in something and don’t receive what is expected or promised, we take action immediately.  We will spend hours on the phone fighting over our overcharged cell phone bill.  Return food if it didn’t come the way we ordered it.  Speak to a manager if the server was rude.  Exchange clothes that didn’t fit when we got home.  Pull our money out if it hasn’t made a return.  We have no problem fighting for what we deserve.

So then why do we stay in friendships that give us nothing back?  I’m talking about your “friend” that always make it about her when you get together to catch up.  She tells you every aspect of her life as if you were her therapist but doesn’t ask you anything about yours.  The “friend” who never invites you to anything but shows up to everything you invite him to.  The “friend” who only texts you back if they want something.  The “friend” that is consistently late every single time you guys meet up, even after you have addressed this many times.  The “friend” you only hear from when they need to move.  You know who I’m talking about. 

Back to the question.  Why do you continue to invest in lopsided friendships?  Because we’ve been friends for so long.  History is not enough to be friends.  Because things will change.  Oh really?  You’ve been saying that for the last five years.  Because they need me.  This is not a question for them.  This is a question for you.  What do YOU need?

I think most of us stay in lopsided friendships because we want the approval.  We want people to like us.  We light up when we click on that little red flag and it says “liked”.  Suddenly, anxiety is lifted.  Someone likes you.  You have proof now.  Someone thought you were funny, clever, heartfelt, whatever.  Your approval ticket just got validated.  

This desire for acceptance hinders our own acceptance.  By being a “good friend” - sacrificing your time, energy, ears, to people who do not reciprocate, you are minimizing your own worth.  If you believe actions speak louder than words, you are screaming I am not worth all the things I give to you.  You are also saying it is okay to give me nothing in return.  

The truth is you are worth what you give to others and then some.  You deserve to be heard.  You deserve to be texted.  You deserve to be met on time.  You deserve to express what’s going on in your life and how you feel about it.  You deserve to be invited to parties.  And yes, you deserve every little red flag you get on Facebook.  Do you believe this?  Okay, then prove it.  How?  Redefine your friendships.  Express what you would like in the relationship.  Build your container and pour them into it instead of being liquid in theirs.  Yeah, but they are not self aware and won’t understand.  Then let them find other people to take from.  You are not an ATM.  

- Angry

Saturday May 21, 2011: Andee & I were invited to Neguisa’s house for drinks & hookah because her mom went on a business trip, so she has the house to herself. Andee drove my car, Billy Joe (‘99 Nissan Altima), since he was not able to have his car that night. We first stopped by for dinner and Andee took me to Paco’s Tacos since I had never been there. We waited 30 minutes to get seated and less than 10 minutes to get our food on the table, yea it was quick. I ordered a Tostada de Pollo & Andee ordered a combo meal: 2 Tacos de Asada with Rice & Beans. I was shocked, not only by how quick the food arrived, but because of how big my Tostada was.. I was, honestly, intimidated. Let us just say I got my money’s worth. After we finished we headed to Neguisa’s house and helped her set up the snacks and liquor. I was overwhelmed by the amount of alcohol she had at her house; it was ridiculous! After all the guest arrived, I tried Hookah for the very first time & Lexi, Neguisa’s girlfriend, taught me how to do it right, haha. I had about 4-5 drinks throughout the night, that was definitely the most I had ever had, but by 11:30 I had stopped and let everything sink in. By midnight most of the guest had left so Neguisa, Lexi, Andee, Cassandra (Lexi’s sister), & I stayed till 2:30 just talking about life, college, and summer plans. I definitely enjoyed my night, seeing as I hardly go out nowadays due to school and how stressful these last few weeks have become.. Anyway, by the time I got home my mom did not smell a single drop of alcohol in my breath and I did not get in trouble for arriving home so late.. Then again I did lie to her by saying we were watching movies at Neguisa’s house instead of drinking.. Certain things will stay between us, ok?

Finally relaxed,
Ana<3