When we invest in something and don’t receive what is expected or promised, we take action immediately. We will spend hours on the phone fighting over our overcharged cell phone bill. Return food if it didn’t come the way we ordered it. Speak to a manager if the server was rude. Exchange clothes that didn’t fit when we got home. Pull our money out if it hasn’t made a return. We have no problem fighting for what we deserve.
So then why do we stay in friendships that give us nothing back? I’m talking about your “friend” that always make it about her when you get together to catch up. She tells you every aspect of her life as if you were her therapist but doesn’t ask you anything about yours. The “friend” who never invites you to anything but shows up to everything you invite him to. The “friend” who only texts you back if they want something. The “friend” that is consistently late every single time you guys meet up, even after you have addressed this many times. The “friend” you only hear from when they need to move. You know who I’m talking about.
Back to the question. Why do you continue to invest in lopsided friendships? Because we’ve been friends for so long. History is not enough to be friends. Because things will change. Oh really? You’ve been saying that for the last five years. Because they need me. This is not a question for them. This is a question for you. What do YOU need?
I think most of us stay in lopsided friendships because we want the approval. We want people to like us. We light up when we click on that little red flag and it says “liked”. Suddenly, anxiety is lifted. Someone likes you. You have proof now. Someone thought you were funny, clever, heartfelt, whatever. Your approval ticket just got validated.
This desire for acceptance hinders our own acceptance. By being a “good friend” - sacrificing your time, energy, ears, to people who do not reciprocate, you are minimizing your own worth. If you believe actions speak louder than words, you are screaming I am not worth all the things I give to you. You are also saying it is okay to give me nothing in return.
The truth is you are worth what you give to others and then some. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be texted. You deserve to be met on time. You deserve to express what’s going on in your life and how you feel about it. You deserve to be invited to parties. And yes, you deserve every little red flag you get on Facebook. Do you believe this? Okay, then prove it. How? Redefine your friendships. Express what you would like in the relationship. Build your container and pour them into it instead of being liquid in theirs. Yeah, but they are not self aware and won’t understand. Then let them find other people to take from. You are not an ATM.
- Angry
